First Post of 2019, Inner Thoughts.
December 30 2019, a year has passed. And honestly reflecting isn’t my forte. Though, starring at this screen seems to be something I am good at. All year I have been trying to keep my thoughts in place to actually complete a post. Here I go with the last one of this year or the first one of this year?
As one scrolls through social media, we see everyone reflecting on the good and the bad and putting quotes up like “just do it”. Well here I am posting my blog post. I should’ve posted 12 months ago, 2 years ago and ya even 5 years ago when I started. But for me, it wasn’t reflecting back and putting it together. It was honestly sometimes just too much to put together.
This year creatively I grew a lot more than in my past years. I got jobs for being creative. I mean HELLO that is why I moved once upon a time to LA. I pushed boundaries and finally well kind of stuck to a theme that worked for me, instead of trying to be what was out there because the idea of likes and followers got to me. It is true what they say “you are one of a kind” and being a copycat though fun at times doesn’t work in the end. You have to follow inside what works for you and frankly what you like too, DUH! Was I happy with the work I got? Or better yet was it enough? No, not even close. In fact it felt like auditioning again and getting rejections or in reality just the sound of crickets aka no answer. I am proud of the work I did. These days it’s the norm to be a content creator. I mean shit who isn’t these days? For me, it is so much more. It’s what got me through dark times. It’s a reminder of the true me and what I can bring to the table. So, was 2019 a success story for me? And the Instagram content creating world? No but sure as hell it isn’t the end. Now moving to some deep shit… I know something no one cares about, right? But here I go…
2019 was a tough year but to be honest every year is a tough year. Growing up you learn more about yourself and you push yourself to always become better. It’s not secret I talk about depression, anxiety, health, and just over all my not so fun parts that are usually misunderstood and taken for granted. I dove deep into holes that I knew better not to and I opened up wounds that I needed to find some closure. Was it a hot mess? Ya, all the time. But without those shitty moments, I can’t grow as a person. I learned that sometimes sitting out and just watching is better for me. As much as I want to be in the spotlight, finding peace on the side is very important too. With all that my health took a dip and not the “I had the flu all the time.” I lost track of eating well, giving a balance between working out and cutting meals. My sleep was all over the place because I couldn’t control my anxiety. When I was down, I wanted to disappear. I knew no one wanted anyone like that around either. I watched myself change knowing I got slim and still thinking it wasn’t enough. I changed my hair and loved it to only watch it fall out from stress. And if you were to ask me today what was the stress or why I always felt I needed to look or be a certain way? I wouldn’t have an answer. To my age is almost unacceptable to have this behavior and to a degree that’s correct. Not everyone is built the same and not everyone can just overcome. Some of us need time and now I know that is OK.
Now, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I don’t believe just because a new year is here I need to jump on the wagon to make something happen. BUT I do think it is important to make goals, and I do have small goals. As I scratch them off which I have done already and the year hasn’t
started. I know I will see the light at the end of my tunnel. Well if I don’t I guess, I have to keep trying.
For all those who, do support me and, have been there, with your hellos, love your work, keep it up. THANK YOU. For me, it’s the simple things that make me smile. But thank you for being real, for seeing through, for being apart of my journey. I am excited for 2020 the good, the bad and whatever else is coming.
p.s Below are just the few shots I truly loved.
Xoxo. Ms.NIKOLA